I lived my life like a buffet, only I was doing it wrong. I would load my plate up with food. Take a seat and become very overwhelmed at just the sight of so much being on my plate. Not knowing that I have the choice to deal with one thing at a time. And that I can go back and try a whole new plate of my liking. That I had the power to control what and how much I allowed on this plate of my life. So what all those people saw me with so much on my plate and so what they saw that I could not handle it. I wasted so many plates and have gotten sick trying to eat it all. Just so I wouldn’t look bad or disappoint any one. I have come to realize that I am not what you say I am. I am not who you think I am. And I am not what you want me to be. I have lived so long trying to please those around me. Trying so hard to live up to their expectations, that I have become unhappy with me. I became sick and self destructive. Sabotaging my own true happiness!! I had lost sight of who I am! (So how could You possibly know me)? I have been on the receiving end of so many No’s and yet all I say is Yes. That was me Ms.People Pleaser. I have been shot down and yet I still found the strength to get back up and keep going. Although there have been times when I did not think that I could got on the fight was just too hard. Life was bullying me. I became it’s victim instead of a willing participant. Yes we all have our own war stories and no two are alike in the sense that only you can feel your pain. I have played door mate to many so called family and friends. I have lost a lot and gained nothing. I had become a shell of who I once was. Living like a wave in the ocean, just going with the flow. I finally crashed up against the shore and it all came to a halt. I see that I did not have to go through life this way. I was not living I was only existing! We never know the weight we put onto others, nor do we realize that we project energy’s unseen. The subconscious mind is more dangerous than the actual mind. The subconscious stores hate, doubt, worthlessness and all unwanted negative thoughts. And as soon as the mind becomes fatigued, frail or tired, that’s when those thoughts will arise. And allowing my mind to be overwhelm opens the doors to those thoughts. So just for today I will ask God to remove all stress and thought that are not conducive for me. So if you feel like I feel say this prayer with me: God please give me the serenity to accept the things I can not change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen

Up until now I thought I knew what Love was all about. I thought I had experienced all there was about love. Now I have had puppy love, lust love, and just for now love. But nine years ago I gave birth to Love . And as I began to fall in love with Love she was ripped from my arms and never to be seen or heard from….until now. I once lost Love and gave up all hope on love. I thought that I was unworthy of her that I was destine to be without her. I drank myself sick over the lost of Love. I thought what kind of mother could I be to bring Love into the world and then not be able to take part in Love. But throught the gracy of God I found Love!!

It’s like I’ve been hurt so many times, I’m to scared to take a chance at love. When those oh so familiar feelings infiltrate my inner being. The heat that seeps out from under my collier. Flushed checks, racing pulse, wings of a butterfly flapping in my stomach. The places I allow my mind to go. When just the thought of being so close sends chills down my spine. And before I go any further I remember the pain of falling out of love. I’ve been here before. I’ve had my fair share of honeymoon stages. You know the faze when it’s all good and you actually miss each other, look forward to seeing each other. Yeah we’ve all been there. And as time progresses you start to learn more about this person and soon you realize that you can’t trust this person with your love. Let alone your heart. I’ve walking this path to destruction, heartache and pain. I have taste the sweet nectar of lust. I’ve laid in pains bed, and slept with regrets. I try my best not to be bitter nor do I feel that all men are the same. But a man will be a man. Some things are bound to happen depending on the breed of man. My ex- has made it hard for my next. OK so now I read into everything and second guess all intentions and motives. I have added another tier to my wall of ” keep away from Heart”

The door to love has been painfully slammed in my face repeatedly. I have lived with the pain of falling in love with a man who was still in love with his ex. And soon after our split they were back together. Lets just say today the have a 2 month old. I had to deal with this and not allow this to consume me nor could I allow this to change my kind heart. Due to this lesson being learnt I have been able to see the signs. Many times we pray and ask for an answer. But we remain ignorant to the signs. Ignoring the obvious and are bound to the dark because of it. To say I was unaffected by this man would only be a lie. But to say I have taken away from this experience an awakening and sense of self awareness unlike any before. I have begone to treat myself with much more dignity and respect. And because of this the new man in my life see’s this and follows my lead. He refers to my as his “Empress” It is such a blessing to find self love. Once you know your worth, you must then stop selling yourself short. Know your value and then understand that you are priceless! How you are perceived is a tell tell sign as to how people will treat you. If you come off as a person with no morals, no pride, or love for one’s self. Then you must only expect that the world will only treat you as good as you treat yourself. I am a Queen. So there for I carry myself like I am. And the energy I put out into the atmosphere is the same energy I get in return.

You may not be where you want to be this year. But your not where you use to be. And next year you wont be here, so live life like this is your last. But plan for tomorrow. I try to live my life with no regret.